What Matthew Shepard Means to Me

Alopex

     

[In April 2000, someone wrote in the guestbook at Matthew's Place that we should accept that Matt is gone, and we should get on with our lives. What follows here is adapted from my response.]

YES, MATTHEW IS DEAD, and we do accept it. Some, like me, expect to experience his hug in the afterlife.

But that is not the reason for Matthew's Place. The site is about the ideal of accepting others for who they are. It has a subtle theme: By making others feel good, we feel good ourselves.

Matt's physical appearance is an anchor. The human mind finds it difficult to understand abstractions, because language has existed only for about five thousand years. So we visualize this ideal of accepting others as they are with the aid of Matt's pictures.

Although there are others just as worthy of representing this ideal, it was Matt who became our prince of tolerance. The fact that this little blond guy is dead does not mean the ideal is dead.

In fact, that was the meaning of a statement by Matt's father, Dennis Shepard, during his address to the court [see footnote] at the sentencing phase for Matt's murderer, Aaron McKinney. Matt's dad turned to him and said, "You screwed up, Mr. McKinney." Aaron McKinney killed Matt, but he did not kill the ideal. In fact, if anything, he helped to advance it.

For instance, how many murders of gays did not occur because people had heard of Matt's suffering? True, their knowledge did not stop the murder of Billy Jack Gaither, but it probably did stop a few others. In essence, many people stood up and said, "This is not acceptable!" Furthermore, Billy Jack's killers — like Matt's killers, McKinney and his accomplice, Russell Henderson — were prosecuted, convicted, and sent to prison for life — despite the flimsy "gay panic" defense.

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AS JOHN PATRICK DAY, whom I met through Matthew's Place, has said, "Matt does capture our imaginations and does not let go easily." My own Web site is an example of this. I think one of the reasons Matt captures our imaginations is that he was so small and vulnerable. His azure eyes were quite attractive, in addition to his ability to light up a room. His death shattered popular stereotypes of gayness, much as Ryan White's life changed popular perceptions of AIDS victims. I believe both Matt and Ryan are enjoying deserved bliss in the afterlife.

One of the reasons that Matt will not let go of us — and that we will not let go of Matt — is the relevance of his story to the present. I have a master's degree in history, and one of the greatest benefits of studying history is how much I have learned from the mistakes of past figures. These figures are also dead; yet I have learned from them — and am still learning. Our entire civilization evolved from the ideals of the past. These ideals give us guidance for how we should behave in the present. We have tested these ideals and, through trial and error, have adopted the better ones.

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LET'S CLARIFY WHY WE LOVE MATT and his ideal by looking at duality, the first stage of a book on wisdom. Duality involves looking at the other side of the coin, because that other side is always there.

Adolf Schickelgruber Hiedler — better known to the world as Adolf Hitler — is dead (get over it). However, his evil ideals still exist, and they manifested themselves yet again in 1999 at the Columbine High School massacre in Littleton, Colorado.

Corporal Schickelgruber still has his followers, who celebrate his birthday every 20 April — and he still is dead! Some of his ideals don't even make sense. He stated, for instance, that tall, blond Germans were the "Master Race." Yet Hitler himself was not tall, not blond, and not German but, in fact, Austrian. Why should an inferior Austrian be the one to lead the Master Race?

Does this strange contradiction help make it clear why we love Matt Shepard?

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MATT, WHO HAPPENED TO BE GAY, felt that he should be able to live his life openly and honestly. His death not only changed my behavior towards gays, but it also helped to show me the real meaning of friendship.

BACK IN THE SUMMER OF 1998, when Matt was alive, Philadelphia experienced a strike against SEPTA (Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority). I had to walk to and from work, which took about two and a half hours. I listened on my Walkman to a program called "How To Have Power and Confidence with People." Despite learning how to be a friend and a colleague, I never put it into practice. I needed Matt to show me the way. His example is difficult for me to follow, but I am trying.

I have a long way to go to get over my fear of rejection by others. It is why I come to Matthew's Place for ideas — and why I honor Matt. His ideal did not end with his death. His spirit will carry on, at least in my life.

One day I will meet Matt in the afterlife. I will thank him for allowing me to see the light, to look closer at my own questions about sexuality, and to realize that I am responsible for my thoughts and actions. One day the majority of the public will grow up and stop blaming everyone else for their own failures. It is not a zero-sum game. It never has been. I am responsible for myself and the significance of what I bring to what happens to me.

Until that day, little blond buddy . . . .

Photos and Artwork

1. Gina Van Hoof. 2. Alopex. 3. Phil LaBrie. 4. Alopex.

Note: The link for Dennis Shepard's address to the court is not active at last check, October 10, 2008. I will leave it in place for the time being, in case the site manager might restore it later. — J. H.

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Text copyright © 2002-2003 by Alopex. Used by permission.

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